Miscellany.

This roof project is dragging on more than I would like. Also, I am thinking that these 'roofers' are not exactly super professional types. I am basing this judgment on the waste removal technique, the level of mess made/ left and also that these guys spend more time with their mouths hanging open than not. The whole thing has made me feel grumpy, all that noise.....

I made homemade clay for the boys tonight, they spent over an hour playing with it at the kitchen table. There were a number of arguments yesterday, between the kids, over what to watch on TV, so I've removed all cables connecting anything to anything else....they are in a shoe box in the back of my closet. So, the TV is effectively 'broken'. Anyway, I've been getting together various crafts and books and activities to keep their minds off of the TV situation, and today I've been very successful. I even let the kids paint their canvas shoes.

I got an update on a dog I fostered and adopted out for a local rescue organization. That dog was with us for over a year, NOBODY wanted him. He had been living on the streets in a pack. I brought home one of the dogs and continued to work with him at the shelter almost every day. He became so bonded to me, it was ridiculous. The shelter was not working for him, I could see him going downhill, and then he started biting. He was just so nervous, so afraid of everything. I said 'FUCK THIS' and brought him home, where he got so much better and was so much happier, but still, he was kind of a nervous guy, so no one wanted to adopt him. I finally found the right person, willing to overlook all his flaws, and just love him to pieces. It makes me happy to get the updates, and hear how he's doing. He's very well, catching rabbits in his yard, playing a lot of fetch, and getting a little spoiled.

Since I've dropped all the social stuff I was doing, I think I've actually become HAPPIER. I am spending more time with my kids, and planning redecorating and reorganizing my home to make it a CALMER place. I'm having more conversations (that don't have to do with kids or chores!) with my husband, who has honestly been feeling neglected for a while. I am so independent (selfish?) that sometimes I forget that people need people.

I have FINALLY gotten a dentist appointment through a free clinic. I have not been to the dentist in....so many years, because I've never had dental insurance ('Murica!). It has been problematic because I have this strange dental problem: my wisdom teeth are coming in, but there is no room for them. I will routinely have pain, sometimes it makes my entire face hurt...my bottom teeth are becoming crowded, undoing the thousands of dollars of dental work one when I was a teenager. I've been really worried I would end up being one of those people that DIES from some simple dental issue that never got taken care of because NO INSURANCE. I'm just....so glad I found this resource, and I hope they can help me.

My kids came home from their father's house today. I didn't really think they would be in until after dinner or so, but it was 4:00 when they came home. They are happy to be home. They do love that part of the family, but they feel a little uncomfortable around them because they are so different from what they are used to. Everything they think and say and the way they act, they are all...EXTREMELY different, and don't approve of the way the kids are being raised. 

~On vegetarianism: "Oh Lord, honey, have some ham!" so the kids eat the ham, and then they pay for it by feeling unwell for a day and a half afterwards.

~On Religion: "Gracious! Y'all don't go to church?! How do you expect to get through life without JESUS?" 

~On Urban Life: "I mean, can y'all even go outside much? How many shootings by your house?" We actually don't live in a bad part of the city. We live kind of close to some rough areas, but it is not dangerous in this part of the neighborhood. It does look dangerous if you're a racist, I guess. And sure, bad things happen, but they happen EVERYWHERE, even in the middle of nowhere. 

They are, basically, good people who love my kids, they just don't understand anything about how I am raising the kids......

So we had a very small, stripped down Christmas. On Christmas day, it was just the three of us. We had popcorn and homemade hot cocoa and watched movies and baked cookies. And today, when the big kids came back, we handed out presents. I didn't cook a big meal, since I am still kind of reeling from that Thanksgiving dinner in which EVERYTHING, right down to the vegetable broth used in the stuffing, was homemade on that day. I didn't make anything in advance, thinking IF I START AT 6AM, IT WILL BE JUST FINE! I didn't take into account the stress involved in timing multiple dishes that require quite a bit of attention. So, simple dinner for Christmas, stress free. I was hoping for a little snow, it was forecast but never showed. 

I've been absorbed by this family history project. I've gone back insanely far, into the 600s. What it looks like is that my ancestors were actually remarkable people (at least in title) and I am looking at a chart full of Earl of ___________ and Lady ___________ and dukes and countesses and barons and baronesses and so on. There are saints, and even a king of Austrasia. I did not ever even know that there WAS an Austrasia. Anyway, I thought it was too interesting to be true, I just assumed all of my ancestors were regular people from Germany. Blacksmiths and such. But there's so much more. Anyway, I was all OH MY GAWD THAT IS SO CRAZY because that is such a long way back to go and a king? For fucking REAL? I did some reading up on being descended from royalty types, and it turns out TONS AND TONS of people are descended from royalty and don't even know it, and it doesn't matter because even though I am in some crazy way related to Queen Elizabeth (I AM! How EXCITING!) it is not like we are going to hang out and drink tea, during which I would wonder I be able to call her 'Liz' while we drink Earl Grey. If you have any European in you at all, you are, 100% for sure, related to some monarch from way back. The thing is, those birth and death records were pretty well kept (it seems), so once you get to someone 'important' it is cake. The hardest part, for me, was just getting past 1900 or so because I know absolutely nothing about my family......anyway, it does not matter who I am descended from, it just makes for a good story. Also, it alleviates the sick feeling I had reading the wills of my Southern ancestors, in which they left their slaves to various family members just like they would their wedding china or grandfather clocks. I mean, everyone KNOWS that's how it was back then.....but seeing it documented gave me a great big case of guilt and shame and my stomach turned a little, and I had kind of hoped I had come from something better than that. 

On Gratitude

At the beginning of the year, I was feeling a little pessimistic about life. Things were hard, it was hectic and money was tight and I felt like I was missing out on a lot of things because of our financial situation. I saw something somewhere on the internet about a memory jar. It was in response to people who write blog posts and Facebook status updates about how AMAZING their year was, what with meeting movie stars, dining with politicians, marrying their soul mates, traveling to some amazing country, winning the lottery, buying their dream house, WHATEVER......and you read that stuff and think MY LIFE SUCKS. THANKS FOR SHARING, ASSHOLE.

Anyway, I didn't have an empty jar, but I did have a wine bottle on my kitchen counter, so I used that. Throughout the year, I wrote things that made me happy on little scraps of paper and stuffed them in the bottle. There are a couple of big things, sure, like selling some photographs and getting a compliment on my work from a famous artist. Most of them, though, are just regular day to day things that made me feel really HAPPY. That bottle got pretty full this year, and I'm looking forward to breaking it open and remembering all of the good from 2013. After I'm done reading and reminiscing, I'll put all of those scraps in a little box or envelope, mark it 2013, and save it forever.

It was a worthwhile exercise in gratitude, one I'll do again and again. That bottle sat on my writing desk, with a box of card stock and scraps of pretty paper and a pen next to it. When I would sit down to do whatever, I would see it and think about the good things that happened that day, looking for the goodness. 

Catching Up

If there is anything that will make me feel like the absolute lowest of the low, it is this: Today, while in a hurry to get one of my dogs out the door and on her walk, I accidentally closed the door on her tail. Not all the way, but enough to make her yelp. She went on her walk as she normally does, so I thought maybe I had just startled her, and not actually caught her tail. But then, she got into my geriatric dog's crate, and was all shivery. I know that I have at the very least badly bruised her tail. She has spent the entire day subdued. She did wag her tail some, she is eating and drinking, and able to lift her tail to potty. But she is subdued, and I feel awful. Just....sick over it. It's not broken, just badly bruised, so there's nothing to be done about it but leave her be and let her heal. Meanwhile I am beating myself up over it, feeling the worst guilt. Mr. Parker keeps reminding me it was just an accident, but it makes no difference in how bad I feel.

Cailey and Justin will not be home until Thursday evening, so it's me and Kieran hanging out. We're having a great time. We're doing art projects, making some Christmas gifts, and making cookies. I was working on my January menu when he decided he would cut pictures of food out of magazines and glue them to a giant poster board to help. They are meant to serve as inspiration while I sit here and think of what to cook for dinner every night in January without repeating a single meal. It can be done!

I am not feeling Christmas this year. I am actually having this huge AVERSION to it. The whole consumerist thing, and all. I have not decorated, there's no tree or anything. We did buy some gifts, but only for our kids. Last year I SWORE I was going to do something super adorable for EVERYONE! I was going to knit scarves and buy little mugs and fill them with packets of HOMEMADE HOT COCOA MIX. Make flavored vodkas for my drinking friends, homemade vanilla extract for my baking friends. Even the MAIL CARRIER was going to get something! But then that all just fizzled out, and I didn't even feel like doing anything at all. And now here it is, practically Christmas, and I've gotten gifts and cards and I have done absolutely nothing for anyone but my kids, and that was minimal because I no longer want to instill that thing that Christmas is going to be some insane frenzy of acquisition of THINGS. No, we will hang out together, cook food and talk and maybe watch some Christmas movies.....Anyway, the whole thing is making me feel kind of like a very grumpy woman and I feel not so great about not giving gifts to friends, but I did say I wasn't going to really do Christmas this year...........

I've been working on my family tree. What I've determined is that it's best to see the records for yourself and don't rely on anyone's family tree. I think that when people are doing this kind of thing, especially going back so far. I found some quite remarkable ancestors, I mean, IMPRESSIVE really. I was more than a little excited to think I was related to some of these people, even if they have been dead hundreds of years. But then, I dug a little more, and it turned out to be not true at all. All that remarkableness had absolutely zero records to back it up, and someone who is related to me in some kind of way, working on the same line, says that more than once it has happened to him. People want to be related to remarkable people. Naturally. It makes for a good story to tell anyway. The only remarkable story I've found with the facts to back it up is some ancestors who came from Germany in the late 1600s and founded a town, which is still there. It's a small town, and it's on one of those historic tour things.....I also like knowing where my ancestors came from. Germany, Ireland, Wales, England.....Everyone in my family always said Germany for sure, but beyond that no one really knew for sure, or even suspected anything else. I have 500+ names so far....I wish I could know their stories. What were they like? Why did they leave their homes to start over here in the US? I have questions for almost every person in my tree....

In the time I sat here writing this post, my sweet dog has gone from lying about looking like the most pitiful thing alive, to being up and walking around wagging her tail just like normal. RELIEF.

On Family History

I know nothing, really, about my family history. It's not something anyone talked about when I was growing up. Maybe they, themselves, were never even curious about it. I started the project YEARS ago, and then dropped it because stuff like that can be expensive. But the other day, I picked it back up again.

I've found out about all kinds of people I never even knew existed.....And the most interesting thing is that I am a direct descendant of someone who was knighted by Henry II. That's a ridiculously long way back, all the way to the 1160s, but the stuff is all there, many other people did that work, and I was lucky enough to have stumbled upon it.

Some of the branched are difficult, there not being anyone else that is working on them, publicly, at least, and a lot of records aren't available...I can;t find anything about certain people, even using all the TIPS AND HINTS given.

I've found some things I am ashamed of, some unpleasant things, but also some people that seem like they would make for a good story.

Anyway, it's a project that has totally sucked me in and made me completely unaware of the things around me. Dishes in the sink? I am SO BUSY! My OCD has a new focus now. I realize that I could work on this forever and ever, and probably never be done, but my fervor will settle down.

My heritage, which has always been something no one really KNEW (Oh, um....German, I'm sure!)....I have found out that my ancestors came here from Wales, Germany, England, and France. What I'm really interested in finding out about is also my ex husband's family tree. Someone, years ago, showed up with a stack of papers, saying that they were direct descendants of some pretty famous Native American people. I was promised copies, which I never got, so I'll have to do my own digging on that one. I am working on Mr. Parker's ancestry, too. So far, nothing especially interesting there, except for some exceptionally pretty names among the women of his family.

The Binder

I've got a giant binder, lots of dividers, sheet protectors, etc. I've created my daily and weekly schedules that will last a couple of months, until gardening season starts up and I'll need a new one. What I've found is that if I follow my schedule, there will be no more insane cleaning days on the weekend, because all that shit will be DONE. There will be no more fighting with the kids to clean their rooms, because that shit will also be done. As a matter of fact, all sorts of shit will be done, and I've found time where I can have TIME for me. It is RIGHT THERE in my DAILY SCHEDULE. It is, really, a phenomenal amount of shit that will get done, I know when and how and who will do it, and I will not be running myself ragged anymore. Because I am tired. I will even have a day scheduled once a month for picture taking.

So what's in this Great Big Wondrous Binder of Planning and Organization? Everything!
*Daily notes/ planner, to make quick notes about something I need to do, or note when I did something I need to keep track of (phone calls, emails, bread feeding, etc)

*the meal section with meal planners, recipes, delivery menus, notes on who will not/cannot eat what food

*Family info includes social security numbers, clothing sizes, notes on what sort of clothes they prefer, shoes          sizes, birthdays, gift ideas

*school information from my daughter's school. her schedule, list of teachers and their contact info
planner for the homeschooling stuff, including reading logs, hours logged, etc

*garden planner, a list of things I want to grow, I've started mapping out each square foot with companion     planting in mind, what I learned from last year's garden, and a ginormous to do list to ready the garden           for spring planting, and a project list for painting pots and building an herb garden on my balcony

*a pet care section, with vet info, emergency vet info, and a section for each type of animal in our care. Since
 I am always rescuing kittens or cats, I have a list of cat rescues listed in order of likeliness to help me. Also, the dog food recipe so I am not the only one that can make it, and a list of what 'people food' is safe for each pet. I make my own dog food ALL the time, sometimes cat food, and while the chickens can get kitchen scraps they can't get things like garlic and onions. Also, how much food to give each pet at feeding time, how to clean the chicken coop, things like that.

*Contact information, divided into personal, business/ financial, and medical/ dental, utility

*an entertainment section, divided into books, movies, music we want, craft activities for the kids divided up  by season, places to go and how to get there via public transit, date night ideas for me & Mr. Parker,            and a schedule of free events at museums that would be good for the kids, whether it's for fun or learning.

*An exercise planner. because it is time for me to go back to taking care of myself. Back to yoga and maybe even the Couch to 5K thing. If not the 5K, then more vigorous dog walking, that's for sure.

*The budget section, so as to account for what money will go where and when bills need to be paid.

*a home project section, listing all the things I want to do to here at Ampersand, like painting the living room or refinishing a table, complete with materials lists. Also, home decorating ideas because that's my big project for the year, every room needs an update. And a DEADLINE. It must be done as inexpensively as possible, and with as much up-cycled materials as possible.

*a list of places and abandoned buildings I want to find my way to for picture taking purposes

*a cleaning section: a comprehensive list for each and every room, so that I can say "Clean the _______ while I am at work" and no one can say "Oh, I didn't know you meant for me to do THAT, too"




As I look at this binder full of schedules and plans, I am pretty proud of myself for putting it together. It was hours of work, and it's not done yet, but it will definitely be a big help and WORTH IT. There are chore lists for each child, even my 5 year old has some stuff to do. They do help now (mostly with supervising chickens having their free time or taking out the little dog or feeding the cats, but there is a little more they can do without feeling overwhelmed. I cannot think why I didn't do all of this a long time ago.

Getting Organized. Seriously.

Life is feeling a little hectic. I mean, there's really quite a lot on my plate, and I often feel completely overwhelmed. As soon as I wake up, I am running. I get the dogs outside for quick walks, clean the chicken coop and feed/ water the chickens, get the kids awake and fed, start our homeschooling day while cleaning up from breakfast, errands, lunch, cleaning up some more, more dog walking, send the boys outside to play and let the chickens run around, dinner, make sure my daughter's homework is getting done, dinner clean up, bath time, story time, bed time, more dog walking, litter box scooping and cat care, and then I get some me time. Maybe. 

The two days a week that I work, I kind of have to squeeze a lot of stuff into my 5:30PM-1:00AM time slot. And housecleaning days? It's ridiculous. Mr. Parker helps as much as he can, but really it is almost like I am a single parent through the day because he's sleeping since he works overnights, so two days a week he can help out. That is when stuff gets done that I can't/ didn't get done. The kids help some too, but I've realized that I have been so busy just DOING STUFF and feeling like I am the only one that CAN do stuff, I forgot that I have three capable children who can do chores other than the most basic of chores. I'm not doing them any favors by not letting them help out a little more around the house. 

I have been driving myself crazy for years not being as organized as I should be, not being able to find contact info for people/places, remembering doctor's appointments at the last minute (which is really bad when you don't drive and only use public transit and causes a lot of rescheduling and making of excuses), procrastinating because I am so busy doing other things. Also, the whole WHAT'S FOR DINNER? Thing. Almost every day I dread dinner because I don't know what to make, I have to run to the store for something, it is just unpleasant. 

I used to have it DOWN. I used to plan menus by the month, and we never had the same meal twice in a month. I had my shopping list down, I never had to go to the store because I had forgotten something. I had breakfast stuff ready to go before bed, so when I woke it was easy to get started. I cooked extra at dinner so I could freeze some for lunch another day. I scheduled field trips, play dates, and library days for story time and I NEVER had overdue library books. I had baking days so there were always homemade muffins/ cookies/ breads in the house. I planned EVERYTHING. It was a lot of work, but my days were relatively stress free. I knew how much time it took me to do something, got it done, and moved on to the next thing. Geez, I was even THIN then, because I SCHEDULED MY EXERCISE TIME. 

It might sound a little crazy to some people. But when you're home schooling, things need to be planned. And now? I have even more people, because I have another kid now, and more animals to care for and clean up after. I miss having that discipline. I miss having that order. 

So in comes my massive overstock of office supplies I bought with the intention of getting super organized. A giant binder, some dividers, lots of paper, sheet protectors, etc. I am getting to work. I have two weeks to get it done, because I want to start the new year borderline psychotically organized.