Miscellany.

This roof project is dragging on more than I would like. Also, I am thinking that these 'roofers' are not exactly super professional types. I am basing this judgment on the waste removal technique, the level of mess made/ left and also that these guys spend more time with their mouths hanging open than not. The whole thing has made me feel grumpy, all that noise.....

I made homemade clay for the boys tonight, they spent over an hour playing with it at the kitchen table. There were a number of arguments yesterday, between the kids, over what to watch on TV, so I've removed all cables connecting anything to anything else....they are in a shoe box in the back of my closet. So, the TV is effectively 'broken'. Anyway, I've been getting together various crafts and books and activities to keep their minds off of the TV situation, and today I've been very successful. I even let the kids paint their canvas shoes.

I got an update on a dog I fostered and adopted out for a local rescue organization. That dog was with us for over a year, NOBODY wanted him. He had been living on the streets in a pack. I brought home one of the dogs and continued to work with him at the shelter almost every day. He became so bonded to me, it was ridiculous. The shelter was not working for him, I could see him going downhill, and then he started biting. He was just so nervous, so afraid of everything. I said 'FUCK THIS' and brought him home, where he got so much better and was so much happier, but still, he was kind of a nervous guy, so no one wanted to adopt him. I finally found the right person, willing to overlook all his flaws, and just love him to pieces. It makes me happy to get the updates, and hear how he's doing. He's very well, catching rabbits in his yard, playing a lot of fetch, and getting a little spoiled.

Since I've dropped all the social stuff I was doing, I think I've actually become HAPPIER. I am spending more time with my kids, and planning redecorating and reorganizing my home to make it a CALMER place. I'm having more conversations (that don't have to do with kids or chores!) with my husband, who has honestly been feeling neglected for a while. I am so independent (selfish?) that sometimes I forget that people need people.

I have FINALLY gotten a dentist appointment through a free clinic. I have not been to the dentist in....so many years, because I've never had dental insurance ('Murica!). It has been problematic because I have this strange dental problem: my wisdom teeth are coming in, but there is no room for them. I will routinely have pain, sometimes it makes my entire face hurt...my bottom teeth are becoming crowded, undoing the thousands of dollars of dental work one when I was a teenager. I've been really worried I would end up being one of those people that DIES from some simple dental issue that never got taken care of because NO INSURANCE. I'm just....so glad I found this resource, and I hope they can help me.

On My Hair, Which Has Given Me Great Difficulty

That's me. On the right. 

My hair has been unruly since the onset of puberty. It had been mostly straight with a little bit of wave to it, but then it began to get increasingly curly/ wild. There's curl, but there's wave too. It is not the same over my entire head. It's coarse, like a horse's mane.

When I was little, I had a black friend. She had tiny braids all over her head, with the colored beads at the end. clickclickclick I LOVED the sound of those beads clicking together when she moved her head. I loved all those colors in her hair. She had foil at the bottom of each braid, and her mom would remove the foil, and change the colors of the beads sometimes to match an outfit. I so badly wanted that hair. My mother would not hear of it.

When I was a kid, I met Lita Ford. I was completely starstruck, and upon returning home decided I must bleach my hair blonde and dye part of it black. It was permitted. And from then on, I colored my hair. Cherry plum was my favorite, and then I met some Manic Panic shades, and started up with some blues and purples and greens. I've had browns, blondes, reds, black (a MISTAKE)........and even, for a while, had my very own natural hair color. I'm working on that again, now, going natural. It is not easy or graceful. Nut I am so done always trying to find hair color that is the right shade for me, worrying about roots and upkeep and special conditioners and shampoos.

I used to get my hair permed, to make it curly all over, the exact same curliness all over. I've straightened it daily with a flat iron, If it could be done to hair, I have done it. Even when it is in its completely natural state, it does not have the nice texture. I know, because I buzzed it all off to see if it would grow back softer, calmer, prettier. It was exactly the same. And I did not leave the house for three months without a hat. It was such a freeing thing, though, to have so little hair. Wash it! Done! No product, no styling, nothing. Just....had to have a hat. It was not a flattering look for me.

Anyway, it's coarse. And for some reason, everyone always thinks they have the perfect recipe of products for me to put on my hair to make it 'nice'. To 'calm it down a little'. I have tried everything. It is what it is. And now I am letting it go completely natural. Letting the silver hairs be, letting it curl, letting all the fake color grow out. Relief.

It appears I am quite boring, and will talk about the weather and my chickens and my cooking habits

I am going to complain about the cold for the entire winter. I really am. Tomorrow night they are forecasting 7 degrees Fahrenheit.....We were enchanted by our home, in this little art district. Its exposed brick wall and old windows being so full of character. Exposed brick walls mean it will be cold in winter and hot in summer. That 'living in an oven' effect is, unfortunately, not in effect in the winter. We are all wearing a sweatshirts and sleeping under an extra blanket. And 7 degrees is under my limit I set for my chickens. I don't think they will stress too much if I bring them inside and put them in a giant dog crate with some hay, and throw a blanket over the whole set up to let them know it is time to sleep. I can't leave them outside, not in their state of undress. Feathers are everywhere, the quills being all they have to keep them warm. 

It has been recommended by one of Mr. Parker's coworkers that I sell my baked goods. Ah, it was the bread that did it. Sometimes, my bread turns out awful, sometimes it's near perfect. I cannot figure out what it is I am doing wrong when the brad turns out not quite so great, or what it is that makes it turn out to the satisfaction of the family. When even my 'selective eater' enjoys it, I know it's a success. Anyway, this time, it was a success, I am flattered he had such a high opinion of it, since he likes to cook, too. 

I am not an orderly cook, nor do I follow recipes. Except for baked goods. Sometimes, though, I do experiment with muffins and cookies, the sweet stuff. But never the bread, unless I switch up herbs or something. 

When I cook other things, I look at what sort of seasonings are meant to be used in that particular cuisine, and then just wing it. Almost always, the food is delicious. When asked for the recipe, I can tell the person what I put into it, but never how much. So there they are, wanting to make something I have made, and I am all JUST THROW (insert list here) INTO A POT AND COOK IT UP! It's also a problem when my kids really love something I made and I cannot, no matter how hard I try, duplicate it exactly the way it was. If I were not so lazy, I would take notes as I cooked. 

I am lazy though, and I've never been able to make some dishes again. Once, I made the most fantastic spaghetti sauce I'd ever had in my life. I went out to my garden, tons of things were ready to be picked. I brought tons of stuff inside...washed it, peeled it, diced it, sauteed some stuff, then simmered it all together. At the end of the cooking, I threw in a bunch of chopped fresh herbs from the garden. Some of them, I don't even know what they were (I am not so good at labeling what I plant, overconfident in my herb identification skills at the start of spring)......So there was a perfect, quick spaghetti sauce I will never have again. I think a lot of the deliciousness came from everything being fresh picked, but I wonder at the combination/ratio of herbs and the ratio of tomatoes to onions to zucchini to eggplant to whatever else was in that pot. Haphazardness!

A myriad of things, nothing special, though

Yesterday I went with a friend to buy chicken stuff, the straw and feed and cracked corn. The chickens are not wanting to come out of their coop at all. When I went to give them food and water this morning, I see that I have not one, but TWO that are molting. I'm concerned about them especially because of the single digit temperatures forecast. It's not a hard molt (meaning they lose all of their feathers), but STILL. I am reminding myself that these are chicken bred to be in the cold, they come from a region that gets colder than it ever does here, and they are FINE because I went in the coop and it was a very noticeable temperature difference than outside.  I am changing frozen water two or three times a day, giving them extra protein rich food, and lots of extra bedding. I am fighting my urge to bring them inside every night. I know doing that does them no favors at all. 

We went to check out the Christmas shop for ideas of things to make, and then the open air market where they sell a ton of home made candies, cookies, cakes, soup mixes, jams & jellies, tons of stuff. I never take anything home from there, but I do like to look for ideas. I'm regretting not having taken my camera. Everywhere I go, I should take that thing with

My job is to go through a ton of really REALLY old files, find the important stuff, and bring it down from the 3rd floor to be properly filed away. I am filling a 55 gallon barrel almost every day with things that are no longer needed. I am finding things that should have been put in the safe YEARS AGO but never were. I am also finding things that are things I want to bring home. Metal file boxes meant for various sizes of index cards in a variety of colors, file trays for desktop use, Rolodexes, organizing trays, all in a variety of 1970ish colors. Also, a HUGE amount of canvas, coated and ready to be put through an inkjet printer. Or painted on, depending on the day I guess. They're all samples, coated with discontinued formulas, so they are useless to the company at this point. Also, the vintage office accessories are going to be coming home with me. Because they are AWESOME and will fit perfectly with my home office space. 

Tomorrow will be insanely busy, a doctor's appointment, bread baking (banana and pumpkin), cookie baking....I know that I will need a lot of coffee tomorrow. I want to make red velvet cookies, I have never made them before and need a good recipe. Those will go to work with me. There are a lot of people I am baking for this year, and I found a bunch of packaging ideas here. Adorable stuff! 

My hair was waist length, thick, and curly. It hasn't been cut in a while, and I was ready to take a bunch of it off. What happens is, I am a busy person. My hair is often just an in the way kind of thing and I don't like to spend time on it. Unless I am going somewhere nice, I won't. It gets wrapped up in a bun. It is coarse and curly and takes more time and effort than I am willing to spend on it. So today, I decided to cut it. It was time, and I am trying to make it a little easier to deal with. I have no idea WHY I was letting it grow so long, anyway. I washed and conditioned it, combed it all to the top of my head and put it in a ponytail. Then I cut straight across the end of that ponytail. My first and second cuts didn't get rid of quite enough length for me, so I did it a third time and it was just right. I am never paying for a haircut again. If I had super straight hair, I would probably not recommend doing it this way, but the curly hair? It is super forgiving. 

It is too cold NOW, but I have a ton of knit pieces that really need to go up. I am thinking about taking a hiatus from yarn bombing until spring, and just spend the winter knitting. Also, I am thinking that I want to put stuff up in completely different places. I have spent so much effort on a particular street in my neighborhood which is where EVERYONE goes, but I think somewhere else would be a good idea. Like I said , I really think I would like to spread it around a little bit. That one particular street has become something I care far less about than I used to. There are a few other places I would like to do, like the daycare center down the street, or even something downtown. Although if downtown, it would not stay up for long.....

On Chickens, and Gardening

The Feathers: Vivian, Dorothy, Kate. Urban chickens are awesome.

I have been wanting chickens for quite a while. One thing or another has always held me back from getting them, though. Over the summer, a friend of mine decided she needed to have some time with far less to tend, so she rehomed all of her urban farm animals. The pigs went to her brother's farm, I took some chickens, and a friend of mine took the rest.

Living in a region of the country that can be miserable hot in the summer and bitter cold in the winter, you need to have a chicken tolerant to those extremes. Naked Neck chickens, sometimes called turkens. They are not, as their name would imply, part turkey. I was a little stunned at first, because I had imagined having chickens that were....cuter. But these grew on me, they have the best personalities. Even though the have a lot fewer feathers than other breeds, they deal well with the cold. I am uncomfortable leaving them outside when it's bitter. We had a daytime temperature that was in the 60s, but it dropped to 13F overnight. I put the chickens in a dog crate in the basement, I was so worried. Experienced chicken people laughed and laughed and laughed at me for that. Because apparently THEY ARE FINE in the cold.

They aren't difficult to take care of. When I get up in the morning, I go clean up their house, and let them have some free range time in the back yard. Even though we don't have a fence all the way around the yard, they don't leave the yard at all. I change their water daily, fill their feeder, and throw in fresh bedding as needed. When they are laying, I get 2 or 3 eggs a day, which is enough for us since not everyone in the house likes eggs. I didn't buy any eggs all summer.

They are docile. They now let me pick them up and hold them, even if they don't enjoy it much. They do come see me for snacks they will eat out of my hand. Their favorite? Shredded cheddar cheese. Dorothy? she will hop up and down for it. They also like to eat tomatoes from the garden, so next year chicken wire will be needed for all but one I will plant just for them. They will chase me around the yard, clucking like mad, if I have cheese or tomatoes. Their personalities are ridiculously adorable.

They get their free range time multiple times throughout the day. And when we say "Time to go home!" those chickens go right in. In the beginning it was not so easy. I had to herd them every time, and endure a play by play from a neighbor. "She's going right, they're too fast for her, they're splitting up to give her a hard time. OH JESUS LOOK AT EM GO"

Their care is simple. Their antics are delightful. I am no longer buying store-bought eggs because those eggs come from chickens that are not even treated like living creatures. Chicken poop is a great fertilizer, they eat bugs I don't want around, and again, those eggs are beautiful.

Between the chicken and the garden, we have a real connection to where our food comes from. All the planning, tilling, planting, care, and harvest, and they understand what goes into the majority of food we eat. It's a little easier to get them to try new things if it's something they grew themselves.

Next year, I hope, will be the best yet. I'm already poring over my seed catalogs, planning for herbs on the balcony, sun chokes along the driveway, squashes along the fences, container gardens along the sidewalk....I have BIG plans.

Really awesome stuff happened today, also a sad thing

I woke up in one of those OHMAHGAWD I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO TODAY moods in which I dread EVERYthing. Sometimes, taking care of all these pets is exhausting. But always worth it, always always always. It was a very no bullshit kind of work day, lots of shopping and cleaning and cooking and maintaining. But when I get started, and seeing the accomplishment, I start feeling pretty damn cheerful.

I tended the chickens, at the same time I shared some Fritos with my kid. Two of the chickens were clucking at me the whole time to just give them some chips already. I did let them try them, even though they are not healthy, but just a little bit since it delights me so much to have them eat out of my hand.

I made a batch of dog food. I noticed some changes in all three of my dogs since I started feeding them human quality food. My senior dog is more energetic. They all are, but the difference in her is really something. Shinier coats, healthier teeth, and I feed them less. I'm not sure if I'm actually saving money, but I'm pretty sure they are healthier. I don't have to worry so much about recalls on dog foods, treats, or anything like that. I make their food, once a week, and store some in the fridge and some in the freezer. Their treat are organ meats and dehydrated fruits and veggies. No chemicals, no preservatives, it is an awesome thing indeed.

Finn, born on Halloween.

So Finn was born with a deformity. Being short on funds, and feeling that a veterinary evaluation was imperative, I started begging people for money to help out. He was born to a rescued stray, after all. People were happy to chip in. I began corresponding with some people at a kind-of local veterinary college. "Nothing we can do, needs x-rays", and then a veterinary clinic, which advised me to euthanize the little guy. Mama did not reject him, and he was larger and stronger than the rest of the little. He was nursing well, and lovable. I thought euthanizing was not an option. All the creatures have value. People use special needs pets as therapy pets for special needs people, he is still loving and worthy of love. So I kept on collecting. I noticed though, that his legs seemed to be self correcting. And today, I was able to return every cent given to me for his vet care. His little legs are almost all the way straight. They may always be a little wonky, but they are nowhere near what they were. I am super happy. I thought I would have to enlist a friend to build a wheeled cart for him, I thought no one would want him, I was really worried about all the problems he would have as he grew older, and my heart was breaking. But now! Amazing progress. I didn't take a picture though. Maybe over the weekend.

Sometimes I am disappointed in people as a whole. I am poor. I really am. We scrape by, and do the best we can. We rarely buy new things, I am super thrifty. I refuse to allow our financial disadvantages to define us, to limit us any more than necessary. It's a hard thing, but money is just money. I recognize that while we are in dire financial straits NOW, it is not a permanent thing. While we are not able to eat out, and every penny counts and there is no carelessness with money, we have a roof over our heads, functioning utilities, food to eat. We are OKAY. We are, in many ways, thriving because of it. Building character, learning new things. If we had loads of money, would I know anything about baking? gardening? chicken keeping? cooking from scratch? Would I be as strong as I am now? No.

*Disclaimer: I am so not being sanctimonious. I am just sharing.

ANYWAY, I was with my 5 year old, we had just gone to the Redbox to rent a movie, when I decided to stop in at the store to see about some new kitchen utensils. Rubber spatulas or something, you know. My stuff is getting worn down, I wanted to replace some stuff. There was a man standing outside the door, holding a sign that said "Please help. I am homeless and hungry". He asked me for money, but I didn't have any. "Do you want something to eat?" His eyes watered and he nodded. So I went in, and customers were complaining about him asking for money. They wanted him to go. And I thought, how sad it would be, to need something as simple as food, and have people just HATE you for it. To have them want you to GO AWAY.  People were just SO ANGRY I couldn't believe it. It made me so angry at them. Because here is this man, not dressed appropriately for the cold snap that is coming in tonight, just needing FOOD.

I bought him three big cans of soup, a box of crackers, some apples, and a spoon. Because I have, and he does not. As limited as my income is, I can find a way to share. There is food in my house, I cooked a beautiful meal for my family. I have a roof over my head, and electricity and warm blankets and food and everything I NEED. I didn't buy anything else. I left the kitchen utensils there, because what I have may not be pretty but it serves its purpose.

As I was being rung up, a male employee said "Imma tell that mothafucka to go on" and he walked to the door.

I think of the time in my life I have been $5 away from begging. And how hard it was for me to realize that had certain people not been in my life at that time, I would have been out on the streets, with kids. It is a long, sad story I will maybe tell later. "Hey! Where are YOU going when you get off of work? From your PAYING job? HOME? Are you going HOME? What did you EAT today? You can leave him the fuck alone." That's what I said to him. And he, in that haughty, superior way young men have, rolled his eyes at me.

A female customer became confrontational. "Oh, are you OFFENDED because I complained about him being out there begging? It's unappropriate. I got KIDS." (She said 'unappropriate'. I said O.o)  As if having kids does not allow you to care for anyone else, as if you must only think of them and no one else, no matter what. "I really don't give a shit what you say. I don't care what you THINK. I'm pretty sure he's hungry enough to not really be worried about whether or not something is APPROPRIATE. And you know what? I hope no one treats you the way you treated him."

I argue endlessly with a friend of mine who thinks one should never give to someone begging. It's HIS hard earned money, he is not giving it away to someone BEGGING. But just because someone is begging does not mean they are worth less. WHY are they begging? We don't know. Mentally ill and homeless (most are), a drug addict run out of money (a possibility), we don't know. So maybe, we can just err on the side of compassion. Maybe not give money, maybe ask them if you can buy them something to eat. And then you did the right thing, because who cares if they are doing the right thing or not. It's not about them, whether you choose to share or not. It's about YOU. Who YOU are, and whether or not you let the world change you.

He took the bag, and walked away, without a word.

On Yarnbombing

I like to knit. I'm not the best at it, but it's a meditative thing for me that takes my mind of of stuff. I am always super busy, because it IS kind of like a farm here, there's a lot of work. I always feel kind of weird if I just sit around and watch a movie. There's a little voice in my head that says HEY ISN'T THERE SOMETHING YOU SHOULD BE DOING RIGHT NOW?! and the answer is always yes. But if I am doing SOMETHING, I feel alright about sitting for a while. So, the knitting.

I taught myself how to knit from a book about 5 years ago. We were living in a small town, and if you didn't go to church  or have a lot of friends, there really wasn't much to do. There were 16 churches and 8 bars in that town of 2000 people. I am not exaggerating. And that was all there was to do. Not being so much the bar type, and also being an atheist, I had to find something. I loved it so much I started a knitting group at the library with the help of one of the librarians. Once a week, I would go hang out with a bunch of ladies who were all almost old enough for me to call them Gramma, and listened to their amazing life stories and knit scarf after scarf. But you can only foist so many scarves on people, and I didn't care to learn to make anything else. Now living in the city and seeing so much street art in my neighborhood, I wanted to add something to it. SO YARNBOMBS.

I've put about 30 of them up. Sometimes, they stay up for MONTHS. Sometimes, it is only days before someone decides to cut it down, or slash it up. People are almost always happy when they walk by and see me stitching on to a post or a tree, and stop to talk. Some people just think it's weird or crazy.

I've been asked by people to do 'their' sign post, light post, bike rack, tree.....but I kind of like just stitching them up wherever it strikes me to, and not thinking of it as something that 'needs' to get done because I SAID I WOULD. I like to be a free spirit about that, at least.

I am trying to write every day even if I have nothing to say.

I made some pumpkin bread today. I neglected to take a picture of it. I'd run out of eggs (the laying is slowing down, since it's practically winter), so I looked up an egg-free recipe and it turned out wonderfully. Super moist, and more like a cake than a bread, really. Two loaves, one already demolished. I hid the second one for tomorrow.

Also in the kitchen, a beautiful batch of Amish friendship bread starter, which will be ready to be baked up this weekend. I used to keep some going all the time, but fell out of it a couple of years ago. Once, I was sitting at the kitchen table with my sister in law, who is so young and so very 'something' talking about breads. And she got up and went to her recipe box, and brought a recipe for the starter and various breads, explaining how she had gotten it from a friend. I told her I had a recipe, used to make it all the time. And she was INCREDULOUS. Who do you know that gave it to you? It's really supposed to be an Amish SECRET! Outside of the Amish, no one is supposed to have it! I did not even know what to say, I am not sure where she would get such a thing. On the inside, I was all 'Bless her heart.'

I tried to watch 'Only God Forgives' which I thought would be a great movie because Ryan Gosling. I thought maybe I am not smart enough, or artsy enough, because I could not even get through the whole thing. I looked it up to see reviews and stuff, and my opinion was confirmed. According to various critics, that is not a good movie. I am sure there are a lot of people who like it, I am not one of them.

I feel like something should be said about my leaving Facebook. It has been called 'inconveniencing people', 'being weird and anti social', and a few other things. Basically I am being told that I need to be on Facebook for the convenience of other people. How will I know about an event? How will I be invited to things? How are people supposed to get in touch with me? I am inconveniencing a lot of people, because if they want to invite me to something, they have to do a whole separate thing for me. There's no messaging me via Facebook which is what EVERYONE uses!! And I am not any better or more important than other people so just reactivate my account already. I did not know that being on Facebook was any kind of obligation I had. This is how some people react. The worst reaction was calling me a drama queen and saying I was just begging for attention. I don't think any NORMAL person would have thought that, but a couple did. My very last Facebook post explained how I really enjoy my life more and I'm more productive without Facebook. I also had some concerns about privacy (since I have very good reasons for not wanting to be found by a certain person) that I could not seem to resolve with the privacy setting options Facebook offered. I went on to share my email address and phone number (talk or text!) and said I did want to keep in touch with everyone. I got contact information via private message from some people, and left that post up for about 24 hours. There was nothing emotional about it at all. So I'm a little disappointed in some people. If I were trying to get attention, I would make it super emotional. About my deep sense of loss over those I thought were friends, over the jabs via passive aggressive status updates, over the obvious lack of caring. But, you know, I decided to keep it calm. Because it really wasn't a very emotional decision to me. It was "Wow. This sucks. I'm not doing it anymore."

I feel really good about not being on Facebook. It's a better, more productive day without it. Since I do like to take pictures of the kids, dogs, etc I went looking for a way to put them somewhere they will stay. I lost a phone once, and it had tons of pictures I had never shared online on it, and I didn't back them up, so they were lost forever. I found Path. Default settings are private, and I am not trying to be social there, just put my stuff somewhere safer than it would be on something that could get lost. It's easy, and they are better about privacy than Facebook.

I think that's it. Here's a picture of my dog, Abby. She is all around awesome.

Sun Chokes

This is my sun choke harvest this year. I dug them up weeks ago, and we are still working our way through them. There are well over 100 pounds here. I gave a lot away, sold some (here they go for $5-$7 a pound) and we are working our way through some. Some, though, I will save for next year because they do THIS:

Fucking gorgeous. Also good for privacy. 

They will, however be grown in 55 gallon barrels because all that great stuff they say about them? Disease resistant? Low maintenance? Heat tolerant? These are all things that mean this plant is invasive and will, if allowed, take over your yard. I got a bunch of them from one of the local community gardens, for FREE! so I had to take them. I listened carefully to the planting instructions the master gardener gave me, and at no point did he ever mention containers. I procrastinated, and they got shoved to the back of the refrigerator. When I finally remembered them, they were a little moldy and inedible. So I dug a trench in the middle of February thinking they wouldn't survive, but hoping they would. They did. They flourished. 13 feet tall, pounds and pounds of sun chokes per plant, and I am pretty sure there are some still lurking in the ground. Spring harvest? Maybe. They're delicious, roasted in garlic and a little oil. Also, the chickens like them.

Miscellany

I love homemade bread, I really do. I have always made it by hand, never having owned a bread machine, so most of the time it's too time consuming for me to make. Today, though, I looked for a quick bread for sandwiches, found a recipe, and tried it. It was a very simple white bread, quick to make, but *something* seemed off about it. I don't know if it's because it's been so long since I've had white bread, or because of the salt I inadvertently left out. I'll probably try again over the weekend, if I'm not too burned out from Thanksgiving day cooking.

I sent the boys out to do the 'chicken work' because both the boys and the chickens need some free range time every day. EVERY day. When it was nicer out, we would spend hours outside. The boys would play, the chickens would scratch, I would harvest or pull weeds, and then I'd let the boys water when needed. I MISS that already. It's only November, so I have a long way to go before I'm going to enjoy my time outside.

K (age 5) was so sweet today. He gave me Bionicle lessons, where he teaches me how to build a Bionicle that he has created. "Do you have time?...I like to teach you things I know" So adorable.

It's hard to find a blog I feel like I want to read. On a regular basis. It seems like there's a lot of 'You follow me and I follow you' stuff, and that's not really what I'm looking for. I want to write stuff that people want to read for the sake of reading it, I don't want to accumulate followers that don't really care to read what I write. And I don't want to follow someone that has a blog I am not interested in, either. So. It's HARD.

I'm not going to blog about anything in particular, that's the thing. I want to JOURNAL. Right now, anyway. I have no niche or area of expertise I want to write about. I don't want to feel like I can only write about certain things. I want to write about what I want, whatever is rattling around in my head. Probably no one would want to read that.

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Unwanted Things, Complaints

I had to take my daughter to a doctor's appointment today. It was surprisingly un-traumatic. One bus, and when we got there the wait was not really long at all. *Maybe* 15 minutes past our appointment time. (It is a little sad when someone is happy about only having to wait 15 minutes past the appointment time, but there it is). I was annoyed by someone in the waiting room, because I was not at all in the mood to be friendly and chatty. I was knitting furiously and trying not to worry about what was going on with my kid. A large number of people don't seem to understand that not everyone likes to engage in chitchat with complete strangers while they are counting stitches and rows and focusing on the task at hand. There was a lot of questions about what I was knitting, what I had knit in the past, what I planned on knitting in the future, and then some discussion about the merits of the music of Boy George. How that came up I can't quite recall. All of my attempts at politely not talking were in vain, because the chatter kept coming. I nodded and smiled, and came very close to just saying "I am in a fit of panic and also a little despair, I would like to NOT talk" but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Lesson learned: ear buds should be worn in situations such as that. I was already stressing, and the fact that he would not pick up on the fact that I didn't want to talk made my anxiety way worse. I couldn't leave! I had to stay there and wait for DD's name to be called, and he just would not shut up.

Normally I am a friendly person, but I have been feeling out of sorts, and I was extra stressed due to DD's issue. A doctor's office is one of those places people should not have to engage in idle chatter. Because sometimes people are there because they are going through some serious shit.

Unwanted Advice I Have Been Unceremoniously Given

1. Said abruptly, upon meeting my extremely shy 5 year old for the second time: "Um, YEAH. You need to get him checked out. Something is WRONG with him. I'm not saying bad wrong, but I know shy kids, and that isn't shyness."

2. "You can't handle those dogs, I mean, PITBULLS. You're such a small woman!"

3. "Take the kitten to the shelter to be euthanized."

4. "Really, you should not be a vegetarian. It's UNHEALTHY. We evolved to eat MEAT. Have a steak."

Solitude

I like to say I am a realist, but I think that's kind of a lie. Because sometimes I am disappointed in someone and it crushes me. A realist would not suffer so.

So, I've been crushed. And I'm seeing things in a negative light. So I'm staying home. I'm not going out to things I used to always want to go to, I'm not chatting with anyone via Facebook messaging, I'm not texting, I am Keeping To Myself. I'll do this for a while, and then I'll be my regular self, I suppose. It's a cycle! I tell a lot of lies when I get like this, because very few people understand that sometimes people just need to withdraw, and be in their own heads for a while. I exaggerate illnesses, have imaginary jobs, doctor/dentist appointments, and also become extraordinarily busy, always with lots of apologies. It's easier to do that than to say "Being in my head really sucks right now. My life is falling apart, and I don't like to TALK about things, I just want to be alone." That solitude, even though I'm getting it by being dishonest, is really good for me. It's a replenishing, restorative thing. I need it regularly. 

Solitude. I love to be alone. I dream about getting on a bus/plane/train and traveling somewhere alone, to be completely alone in a city I don't know. Without the influence of other people, without the responsibility of home and family and pets, I could be Myself. It seems like it would be a beautiful thing, that solitude in an unknown place. 

On Disenchantment, and Thinking Too Much

Maybe I am too socially aware to be any fun, I guess. Because while the majority of my friends are childless, and have more money than me, I have very little money and three children. So when I look at the neighborhood, it doesn't look as good to me. Bars and restaurants that are super adorable and have appeal, for sure, but they are irrelevant to the neighborhood that they're in. The cute little shops that carry handmade jewelry and quirky stuff and art, hey that's great, but they're irrelevant and financially inaccessible to the neighborhood they're in. It's a mostly black neighborhood, most people are *just* barely getting by and they have children. None of us are buying $7 craft beers six in a night or interested in buying $150 handmade necklaces. We want to have things we need, things we can afford, and somewhere to take our kids. ALL of me is feeling more than a little disgusted at the college age hipsters coming in from the more affluent areas and hanging out in my neighborhood getting drunk on the weekends. At white people coming into a black neighborhood and opening businesses very few people in the neighborhood have money for, and even fewer have an interest in. At the artists living in the better neighborhoods but coming here and calling themselves '(Street Name) People'. Because they're NOT. They don't LIVE here. The people in my neighborhood have been dismissed. And I find it terribly sad.

I see this neighborhood on the way to gentrification. But what are people who are poor to do? We can't open businesses, we are too busy just getting by. Or maybe there's a lack of education and motivation and whatever else is needed to get something going. It's a huge thing. People do have the right to open businesses and find their own way to make money, and they have to go somewhere, but it just BOTHERS me that they are so.....irrelevant to the people that live near them. And these people are thinking that they are doing a good thing for the neighborhood. 

Maybe lack of money has made me bitter. I LOVED this neighborhood when I moved here. But the more people who came to my door to get me to sign petitions for their bars, and when what was supposed to be a 'community garden' really turned into somewhere for people to grow things to sell ended up with a privacy fence and none of use ever seeing the people who worked there....well, I just don't see any of this being good for the people who LIVE here. I know the issue is more complex than what I understand, economics and all, but this is what I think......

On the Garden, Thoughts On Next Year

2013 Tomatoes

The final fall clean up of the garden has been done. I pretty much have a clean slate for next year. NEXT YEAR I will have plans and won't cram so much stuff into such a small space. I stand on the balcony and look at the yard, and think about what will go where. I know what I want, but it's maybe more than I have room for. I will have a garden journal. That's important. I need to know what's where. I was frustrated by a particular tomato plant all summer, and almost too late realized those tomatoes were supposed to stay green because they were the Granny Smith tomatoes I had been gifted. Things need to be accessible, because so much of the garden turned into a great big mass of growing things and I sometimes had a hard time finding stuff.

I'd like to preserve things next year, can tomatoes and stuff. If I can get things going well enough, it would be nice to have some to sell, too. There are restaurants around here that buy stuff grown by people locally. I sold some of my sun chokes for $5 a pound to the bakery that does Saturday brunch. THAT made me happy. But mostly, I want to be able to preserve things. I had the very best of intentions at the beginning of the gardening season, but I didn't get the yield I wanted, I lost my motivation, I had bug problems. I meant to freeze all of those herbs, but then things got really hectic with working 12 hours a day for 4 days and when I went to harvest, everything had gone to seed. So, you know, I must plan better, do what I can when I can. Pay more attention to things. 

 Now that there is nothing left growing, I feel anxious for the spring to get here, so I can fill the little pots with dirt and start the seeds. I liked working outside, pulling weeds and growing things and the feeling that I had after being outside all day, working in the dirt, seeing the insects that had taken up residence among my plants. I loved to go outside and pick vegetables and realize that night we would not need anything from the store. That everything I put on the table came from my very own back yard. And the herbal teas, made from raspberry and blackberry leaves and the mints I grew myself, that was lovely. So already, I am looking forward to spring. 

On Urban Exploration

I went with a friend to this great old building that used to be a paper factory to take some pictures. We parked on the street and walked a block or so to go around the back of the building into the building. There are seven or eight floors, and of course the rooftop. We explored, looking at all the graffiti, the views from different windows, the light coming in through broken glass windows, spray paint cans scattered everywhere. The gates to the elevator shafts were broken, and looking down them? Scary!

I LIKE the urban decay pictures. I find them infinitely more interesting than the pretty pictures, but I do take those too. Here, though, are some pictures of things you would never see, because they are in a building you would not want to go into. But I did! There are a lot of other places I want to go to, but it isn't really easy to get someone to want to go with me. I would not go alone, just in case.

From the street, you can see inside other buildings, whole rooms left behind. You can see the appliances, beds, miscellany left behind. Pictures of that? Yes.....

On Blogging Again

I haven't blogged in such a long time. I haven't written anything at all in forever. For a while it bothered me, because it had been such an easy thing for me to do, to just write. And I wrote anything. Then it stopped. I found myself completely unable to even write a simple blog post.

I write in my head. I would ride the train and write TERRIBLE poetry in my head. I have a dozen ideas for short stories floating around, bits and pieces of them I can't get to mesh together. But they're there. And the bad poetry! The simple act of typing or writing something was just this great big impossible thing.

And that went on for years. Really. Years.

Whatever caused it is done now, and I am ready to say things again. Even if they aren't important in the grand scheme of things, even if no one cares or reads what I have to say,or they do and they never want to listen to me again, I have things to say and I have to say them.

It won't always be important things, or pleasant things, but they will be things I think and maybe don't want to say. Here, I will be real and honest and not feel like I have to put a positive spin on things, or keep quiet for the sake of peace. I will not be worried about being embarrassed or feeling weird.....

I always wanted to blog and be able to share it with my friends. I wanted to write about what ever I wanted and be able to feel comfortable. But that's just not me. I like the freedom of anonymity.