Solitude

I like to say I am a realist, but I think that's kind of a lie. Because sometimes I am disappointed in someone and it crushes me. A realist would not suffer so.

So, I've been crushed. And I'm seeing things in a negative light. So I'm staying home. I'm not going out to things I used to always want to go to, I'm not chatting with anyone via Facebook messaging, I'm not texting, I am Keeping To Myself. I'll do this for a while, and then I'll be my regular self, I suppose. It's a cycle! I tell a lot of lies when I get like this, because very few people understand that sometimes people just need to withdraw, and be in their own heads for a while. I exaggerate illnesses, have imaginary jobs, doctor/dentist appointments, and also become extraordinarily busy, always with lots of apologies. It's easier to do that than to say "Being in my head really sucks right now. My life is falling apart, and I don't like to TALK about things, I just want to be alone." That solitude, even though I'm getting it by being dishonest, is really good for me. It's a replenishing, restorative thing. I need it regularly. 

Solitude. I love to be alone. I dream about getting on a bus/plane/train and traveling somewhere alone, to be completely alone in a city I don't know. Without the influence of other people, without the responsibility of home and family and pets, I could be Myself. It seems like it would be a beautiful thing, that solitude in an unknown place.