On My Hair, Which Has Given Me Great Difficulty

That's me. On the right. 

My hair has been unruly since the onset of puberty. It had been mostly straight with a little bit of wave to it, but then it began to get increasingly curly/ wild. There's curl, but there's wave too. It is not the same over my entire head. It's coarse, like a horse's mane.

When I was little, I had a black friend. She had tiny braids all over her head, with the colored beads at the end. clickclickclick I LOVED the sound of those beads clicking together when she moved her head. I loved all those colors in her hair. She had foil at the bottom of each braid, and her mom would remove the foil, and change the colors of the beads sometimes to match an outfit. I so badly wanted that hair. My mother would not hear of it.

When I was a kid, I met Lita Ford. I was completely starstruck, and upon returning home decided I must bleach my hair blonde and dye part of it black. It was permitted. And from then on, I colored my hair. Cherry plum was my favorite, and then I met some Manic Panic shades, and started up with some blues and purples and greens. I've had browns, blondes, reds, black (a MISTAKE)........and even, for a while, had my very own natural hair color. I'm working on that again, now, going natural. It is not easy or graceful. Nut I am so done always trying to find hair color that is the right shade for me, worrying about roots and upkeep and special conditioners and shampoos.

I used to get my hair permed, to make it curly all over, the exact same curliness all over. I've straightened it daily with a flat iron, If it could be done to hair, I have done it. Even when it is in its completely natural state, it does not have the nice texture. I know, because I buzzed it all off to see if it would grow back softer, calmer, prettier. It was exactly the same. And I did not leave the house for three months without a hat. It was such a freeing thing, though, to have so little hair. Wash it! Done! No product, no styling, nothing. Just....had to have a hat. It was not a flattering look for me.

Anyway, it's coarse. And for some reason, everyone always thinks they have the perfect recipe of products for me to put on my hair to make it 'nice'. To 'calm it down a little'. I have tried everything. It is what it is. And now I am letting it go completely natural. Letting the silver hairs be, letting it curl, letting all the fake color grow out. Relief.